The obnoxious blaring of my alarm abruptly drags me out of sleep. As I slowly wade through the morning grogginess I already feel despair begin to emanate from my heart and out to my faculties. I lie there, prone, dreading the day ahead. Sigh…how am I going to get through today this time?

I’m depressed, no – I have depression. There. I said it.

Living with this…disease is a daily struggle.

Outwardly I project an image of strength and capability, but it’s just a mask papering over the cracks, disguising the broken messy chaos inside.

Sometimes I’m okay, even excited about life’s possibilities. I have phases where I want to squeeze out all the amazing experiences available in this world, to ring the towel dry. Then I have chapters where I feel utterly defeated, crippled by a suffocating shroud of melancholy. This is the head space I’ve been operating in this past month.

Grey emotions have dogged me relentlessly. Sadness. Grief. Confusion. Frustration. Anger. Helplessness. Regret. Anxiety. Fear. Worthlessness. One giant bitter cocktail of crushing feelings.

It is a dog too, depression. That old analogy of the black dog rings true, a dark four-legged omen that paints my world in black.

I thought with time it would get sick of tormenting me and attach itself to some other unwilling owner. I thought it was just sniffing around my ankles because my brother, himself a victim of psychosis, killed himself. Then the mother of my children left me for women and the dog grew darker and nastier and growls at me whenever I tell it to ‘shoo!’ It feels like it’s here to stay.

It’s not just mental. The interplay between mental health and physical health is intrinsic and my ‘mental’ depression also manifests in very physical trauma. I become less likely to do the things I know I need to do to manage my depression. All the good habits I’ve developed in the wake of my split disappear and I have to start scaling the oppressively tall mountain all over again, and again, and again…

I’ve been up and down like a yo-yo since my ex-partner left me. The black dog was keeping me company before that, since my brother suicided really, and there’s been stressful jobs and the pressures of parenthood as well. But the split was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Like a pro boxer who’s taken too many hits to the head and then suffers a devastating knockout. I lost a home, a partner, and a family unit all at a time when I needed stability. The ground opened up beneath me and I’ve been falling ever since. Sometimes I can break the fall and I begin to climb out of the bottomless hole, only to lose my grip and renew my plummet.

I’m good at hiding it. Somehow I function and I make people believe I’m this happy, contented person. I do a piss poor job of talking about it though. It’s not that I don’t want to necessarily, it just…it’s painful to say the words, and I’m so very cynical about people and their capacity to listen. People don’t know what to say and even those who are sympathetic often aren’t proactive. I’m suffering and yet I still have to make the effort to reach out and make myself vulnerable!? People ask “how are you?” and it’s just a cursory effort to make pleasantries or talk about themselves. Unfair? Maybe. You see – cynical.

Sometimes (rarely) I’m brave enough to respond with “I’m not doing so great” and my confidants respond with “what’s wrong?”

I have no idea.

Logically I can point to little inciting incidents like reading about Greg Boyed’s death and being reminded of my brother’s suicide, or being sad because my daughter is starting primary school and her parents can’t share this pivotal moment together because they’ve split up. But really I’ve got no idea. I can’t just be those things because it’s been ages and the lights are still flickering – I still spend too much time in the dark.

I don’t want to be depressed. People who suffer from depression desperately want to be happy. It’s not a choice. You can’t simply choose to change your state of mind to allow more positive thoughts. Like driving in the fog on a winding road you’ve never driven before, depression is really hard to navigate.

So I just put one foot in front of the other and keep plodding on. I try to develop good habits. I’m pretty good at maintaining my fitness and physical exercise has been the best therapy for depression – I don’t know if I would have survived the past 9 months without it. I’m going on an adventurous holiday to Nepal in a few weeks. I meditate semi-frequently. I’m trying.

Writing all this down is very indulgent. I’m not sure what I’m trying to achieve – what sort of positive impact it’s going to make, if any. I guess it’s “a day in the life of someone with depression”?

Maybe I just want to let my friends and family know that I’m not okay. But I’m trying to be.

Capital gains tax is just common sense.

The monster is coming…

Are you on the left?

Right is wrong, and the left don’t leave people behind – the irony behind our favourite political labels.

Fresh from graduation, you begin the tedious process of job-seeking. During one of your daily visits to Seek, Trademe and Student Job Search you find an interesting ad on the latter website. A promotions agency is offering a fixed-term position, with a minimum 10 hours per week, and paying $19 per hour. Why not? You think, it’s a living wage and the modest hours would be great with the summer coming up.

When you find an email in your inbox inviting you for a job interview you can’t help but fist pump, after all jobs aren’t easy to come by in today’s workforce. But this is where things go sour. After spending thirty minutes with the suit in charge of recruitment it becomes abundantly clear that the job ad was dripping with honeyed promises and the reality of what was on offer is vastly different: rather than a fixed-term employee role with a minimum ten hours it is actually an independent contractor role with no guaranteed hours, and the pay? It could fluctuate anywhere between minimum wage and the ‘promised’ $19 depending on client activity.

You feel mislead, duped – and I don’t blame you. This is a true story by the way, and a scenario that is sadly not uncommon. It happened to a young woman during October and she came to the YWRC expressing frustration at both the employer’s potential dishonesty and the seeming lack of avenues to hold them accountable.

I’ve been in a similar situation myself. Once upon a time I was considering crossing over to what journalists refer to as ‘the dark side’ of the media industry – public relations (one could describe it as trading their journalistic soul for a higher pay packet…) I saw a job advertisement online for a PR role at a firm and decided to go for it. Cue my fancy shirt, a tie, daunting job interview, a celebratory beer, and a second interview, all before being told at the last hurdle that actually, the role wouldn’t have anything to do with public relations work until I had ‘proven’ myself evangelising people in their own homes about the beauty of a new tele-communications company. If I’d have known the job would consist of door knocking I never would have applied.

So what can you do if you feel an employer has misled you with a fallacious job advert? You could chalk it up to life experience and move on, but it’s not really fair that you have wasted time with this wolf in sheep’s clothing when you could have been engaging with more meaningful, and honest, opportunities. And from a community watchdog’s point of view I would encourage anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation to lodge a complaint if the employer shows no sign of being reasonable. If you don’t what’s to stop it happening to others?

Furthermore, it’s actually against the law to hoodwink job seekers by promising the moon without following through. The Fair Trading Act prohibits employers from deceiving people when it comes to an offer of employment – even if it was never their intention to do so. This means the job advertisement must be a fair representation of the nature of the role and the conditions on offer.

If you were going to complain the Commerce Commission would be a good first bet, followed by the Advertising Standards Authority. The Commerce Commission is responsible for enforcing the Fair Trading Act and can pursue legal action against employers and companies breaching the rules, with a potential fine of up $600,000. For less serious breaches the commission would usually give an employer a slap-on-the-wrist in the form of a compliance letter. A letter from either of these authorities will make the employer think twice about listing misleading advertisements in the future, and may stop other job seekers from being exploited. If you saw the ad on a website like Seek or Student Job Search it’s a good idea to let them know as well, they usually won’t be too thrilled to hear of employers misusing their service and might have a word to the culprit.

Let’s look at this from another angle. Maybe you are annoyed that the conditions on offer resemble nothing like those advertised but you’re still tempted to take the job because it’s a competitive market out there.

Labour Studies graduate Melissa Goodman has felt the temptation herself but warns young people not to be rash when job hunting.

“As a job seeker you may be more willing to say yes to a mediocre job offer, for fear of saying no and continuing to look, potentially unsuccessfully. Even though this may be the reality for many people, I would advise them to scrutinise what it is that is being sold, the language of deception, and how truly what is being proposed compares to the contractual arrangements.”

Many of these dodgy ads are going unchallenged simply because people will accept a job because they are either desperate for work, or are unable to cut through the rhetoric or fancy sales pitch. Once you’ve signed a contract, you have very little ability to change your working conditions so it’s pays to take precautions. If you find a job offer suspect, get advice – get in touch with the Young Workers Resource Centre, 0800 AT YWRC or ywrc@xtra.co.nz.

Employment buzzwords/phrases to look out for:

Flexibility: just whose flexibility are we talking about here? Yours? The employer’s? Or both? Flexibility for the employer can often result in uncertainty for the employee. Make sure you clarify exactly what this means if you see it pop up in your proposed contract.

Hours of work: some contracts can be cagey around what the expected hours are, especially now that casual contracts are becoming so common. E.g. If the employer suggests the role is full-time but the contract says you’re entitled to a maximum of 40 hours that does not guarantee you full-time work. Clear up the expectations and iron out the kinks before signing on the dotted line.

Casual: if you are employed on a casual basis you are guaranteed no hours at all, so be prepared for this. However an employer can’t hire you as a casual but expect you to work full-time or regular hours. If they expect the latter then they need to hire you as permanent staff.

Incentive based/KPIs: Essentially translates to performance pay, you’ll get paid if you nail the key performance indicators E.g. the job ad promises $20 p/h but in reality you will receive $14.25 and may get up to $20 if you meet performance objectives.

Independent contractor: basically means you are self-employed. That may sound nice but it means you are responsible for fulfilling all your tax obligations, are not entitled to leave, and have far less job security than an employee.

When I was but a short-arse who only cared about making forts out of sheets and couch cushions my parents were busy campaigning for the Alliance Party.

I was about 7 when my dad stood as an Alliance candidate in the Wairarapa electorate. I was the old man’s security guard, mascot and director of leafleting. I would accompany him on the campaign trail throughout his regional pilgrimage – he’d even let me have a turn on the megaphone sometimes.

I took exception though when it came to folding flyers – the most monotonous task ever.

My mother was a staunch unionist who fought tooth and nail for the right to work and stood up for the disenfranchised when nobody else would. When she was 23 she spoke at the 1984 Economic Summit in front of basically the most ‘important’ people in New Zealand about how shit unemployment was.

My parents instilled in me a sense of social conscience at a very early age – lift people up, help the underdog, equal opportunities, fair society, gainful employment – these were the values that have seeped into me as I have grown to adulthood.

I carried these values with me to the polling booth yesterday. Two ticks for a fair society.

I’ve always known what direction to cast my vote but for others it’s not so clear-cut. Our parents are probably the biggest political influence we have but what if they are not politically literate? Where then can we find the inspiration to form our political beliefs?

School education is sorely lacking. There is no formal education about civics, voting, democracy bar a wee slice in junior social studies. This should form an integral part of the curriculum – if we are not literate in our political system how are we going to make informed choices? Worse yet, are we even going to bother to vote?

To change direction, voting isn’t simply about selecting a party who has impressed you the most over a few months of gluttonous (and biased) media coverage. To get all fancy, it’s about ideology and political philosophy. We have to ask ourselves: Where on the political spectrum do we align our values?

There are various ways to look at it but the easiest way to spell it out is left and right. The question I ask people is: do you want an Aotearoa where we look after ourselves and each other? Or a New Zealand where we care only for what affects us personally.

I’m going to sound really harsh here but sadly too many Kiwis think selfishly. Don’t get too upset – it is a human trait after all, self-preservation and all that. We can accept that this is a human trait and stick to the status quo or we can choose to believe that there is always a better way, and the only way we will get there is by looking out for each other. No one ever improved anything by thinking about themselves.

Don’t be swayed by the mainstream media, by political spin doctors and flowery words – think with your brain but also your heart.

We’ll get there – together.

“The needs of the many outweigh those of the few, or the one” – Spock.